Why things don't get done in Washington
by Kitten1313
Summary: It's not that America can't take his job seriously. He does, it's just the people around him that he can't so to keep his sanity he does the one thing he can do. Mess with them as much as possible. (Rated for swearing, drug use, sexual references, possible OCs in later chapters)
1. Chapter 1

**This comes from a few things I came across on Pinterest. Not sure how far this will go but let's see.**

Meeting are never fun, well unless you know exactly how to drive it off course and crash it head long into a tree. It's exactly what America has in mind for the day and he knows exactly who the get to help him. So as he sits quietly pretending to listen to his boss he gets his plans into action.

But before he can text anyone he gets one simply asking, "Hey wanna come over and smoke some?"

Quickly he texts back with a small smile, "Can't I'm in a meeting but I can after."

"McDonalds or White Castle?"

"Dude do you even have to ask?"

"Taco Bell it is."

America smiles as he looks up to make sure no one's watching, "But dude can it just be us? Cheney's not fun…" He presses send before he realizes what he wrote, "I mean he's a buzzkill it totally has nothing to do with what happened."

"Chill Alfred I know what you meant. See you soon." And with that his phone goes silent again. It's a shame most still think of his last boss as an idiot when in reality he was one of the better ones he's had. Slightly crazy but that's what made him so fun, but weed and tacos will have to wait until after this meeting is over. So he looks over at the Vice President as he tries to keep his eyes open. Again he takes out his phone and quickly texts a long detailed meme than presses send.

The Vice looks down before trying to stifle a laugh just as his boss looks over, "Alfred put the phone away this is important for our country and for you."

"I so get it dude I mean Mr. President. I was just asking Joe a quick question." America says with an innocent smile as the Vice President nods.

"Oh?" His boss says crossing his arms over his chest not amused by the two's antics, "And what was it, another one of your strange fanfictions involving you and George Washington?"

America lets out a gasp, "What do you mean strange? Dude they are awesome."

His boss just sighs as he returns to his power point. America on the other hand is just getting started as he now turns his attention back to his phone now seeing that not only is Biden answering back but giving him ideas for another story. He can't help but look up wide eyed, "Dude that's so dirty!"

"Alfred!"

"Oops…my bad." America says smiling weakly, "I mean it sounds like it might get dirty?"

"Do you even know what I was talking about?"

"Yeah…"

"What then?" His boss glares as most of the room turns to him, "And don't look down at your phone."

In a flash the nation clears his voice, "You were talking about how the people don't trust us well their government. Hell most still think the government caused a lot of our national disasters."

"What?"

"Hell they're right with half of it, I mean the government did experiment and make LSD as a kind of mind control substance."

"Alfred-"

"But it's like we did everything, sure there's a lot we hide but it's for their own good but than other things we spill out in hope of not getting-"

"Alfred!"

America stops, "Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"But…"

"Alfred."

"But…"

"Alfred I mean it."

"But I didn't have sexual relations with that woman."

The next thing he knows he's sitting in the hallway with a wide grin on his face and a new text on his phone, "Hey bring me back some tacos." He answers back a yes before looking up at the secret service men around him.

"So boys should we go?"

One looks down at him confused, "But Sir you're supposed to stay here until you can behave and return to the meeting."

America lets out a laugh as he stands and walks away, "You must be new dude." He winks back, "I'll bring you back a few for the next meeting."


	2. Chapter 2

**warning this chapter contains drug use. I might move this up to an M rating just for the crude language for later chapters. **

"Four hundred and thirty five." America says as he inhales on the cigarette like object in his hand, "You know W. I remember when I had like what thirteen-ish? Well Rhode Island didn't count cause it was being a dick. Well actually Rhode Island is still a dick just a richer dick." He says letting the white smoke slowly disappear above him as he remembers a time when the weed in between his fingers was legal.

The older looking human nods slowly trying to contemplate a few ideas swimming around his head, "Where the colonies…"

"Nah I could have made them into…kids I think but that would have meant at least thirty or forty women and who has time for that?" America says with a shrug knowing this conversation all too well.

"Bill?"

Both let out a laugh as America shakes his head, "Nah he's a good guy he just let his dick do the talking and shit I love saying the word dick…" America pauses for a moment before shrugging it off and snuffing out his blunt. "Anyway thanks for the good shit and the tacos but I have to get back."

"You're going to sit in the House meeting high?"

"Yeah why?"

"No reason, just don't do anything I won't do." His last boss isn't going to see him to the door but knows that there's one last comment coming his way.

Sure enough America smirks, "So I shouldn't have a door fail?" By now both know why that door failed to open when Bush went to Japan. America was on the other side holding the door shut but it's water under the bridge now and both can feel that they can laugh about it. "See you later W." With a quick wave the Nation along with two members of Secret Service leave. "So boys should we stop for more food before I go to another meeting?"

While Robert a young man of twenty two shakes his head the older man Travis speaks up, "Only if I can have a few."

It's not hard for America to understand why, "Gave you a contact high didn't I?"

"Nope just hungry."

America turns on his heels laughing as he jogs backwards to the car, "Travis you are a shitty liar and we totes know it."

"Totes? Really Sir I know you look nineteen but come on." The thirty five year old has known the nation now for years and knows when the young looking nation is putting on a show, "He's new but-"

"Oh he is now?" The superpower coos staring right at Robert with a lustful smirk, "No one told me this." His grin widens as the effects of the pot quickly wear off. "So Mikey you ready for your first shift with me?"

Taking a quick step back Robert shakes his head, "Sir my name is Robert not Mi-"

"Mikey just play the game and you might last all five nights than probably get fired the seventh but hey I'll be dead by then so what the fuck do I care? Or am I simply messing with the new guy?" He knows it shouldn't be too hard for this young man to understand what he's saying so he continues, "So let's go Mike cause we have a lot of shit to do before six am." Opening the back seat the nation slides in and closes the door cell phone already in hand.

Meanwhile Robert turns to his senior officer, "What the fuck?"

Travis only smiles, "Get ready Kid cause he's about the haze you and I know that smirk well…"

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah he's gonna do something incredibly stupid and it's your job to be right there beside him when he does it."

"I didn't sign up for this…"

"No one ever does but there's one thing that sets you apart." Travis says as he pulls out the keys.

Robert just shakes his head, "Oh yeah what's that?"

"He actually might like you."


	3. Chapter 3

The whole building is a buzz with activity and noise. After so many years America has learned just to tune it all out. It's not that he hates the noise; he in fact wouldn't know what to do if silence really did fall on his Capital building. "Okay Mikey you have my iPod?" He asks turning back the young man following. "Cause this shit is going to be awesome but Dude you'll have to run like a fucking bat out of hell once it's over."

Robert stops cold as he digs into his pants pocket, "Than maybe I shouldn't give it to you…"

"Are you actually refusing an order?"

"You're not my…" Robert bites his lip as the nation's eye brow raises, "Commander and Chief?"

Now America walks back to him until he's mere inches from the shorter man's face, "I may not be the 'President' but that doesn't mean I don't pull some strings around this bitch." His normally innocent face turns into a wide sadistic smile, "Now bro hand over my iPod."

It takes every ounce of strength for the human not to pee himself as he does what he's told, "I'm s-sorry Sir."

"Chill dude." America says as his normal grin reappears. "I'm not gonna kill yah or anything." He turns on his heels iPod in hand as he walks into the busy session about to start. "Kay so do you have your boots on?"

"My what, sir?"

"Boots man or do yah just wanna watch?"

"Watch?" Robert manages as he looks down at a pair of cowboy boots that have magically appeared on the nation's feet. "When did you put those on?"

"Dude you high or something? Cause I totes had these on all day." It comes with a light hearted chuckle before the man disappears down to the floor below leaving his companion confused near the doors.

The speaker spots him right away, "No." He says calmly as America gives him a pleading look, "Whatever it is no. We're about to start."

"You were about to start but we both know that you weren't gonna do shit anyway."

"That's not the point Alfred."

"It is the point."

The Speaker sighs, "Okay and what do you suggest we do instead?" Truth be told the Speaker of the House wasn't in the mood to argue as well as he wants to see what the Nation was up to this time.

"Line dancing?"

"Line…dancing?" The speaker says cocking his head slightly as if he hasn't heard right. "As in square dancing?"

"Nah there's a difference man but don't pretend like you've never done this before." He can see a spark in the Speaker's eyes so he presses play on his iPod and instantly music fills the space. Most stop talking and look around in confusion. "So Dude you wanna join me?"

Laughing the Speaker jumps down, "Cotton eye Joe, really? You couldn't pick a less annoying one?"

"Nope so you remember how to do this?" He says as he starts to move with the music, "One, two, one, two, three and turn."

"The hell are you two doing?" One senator shouts from above, "This is a meeting not a dance hall!"

"Oh shut up you old goat and fucking dance."

"What did you say you asshole?"

What the other wanted to say is quickly drowned out by the loud music. Robert watches in amazement as Republicans dance on one side as Democrats try to outdo them on the other side. "What the hell?" He mutters before the music ends and America makes a mad dash for the exit. "Sir?"

"Run like Hell Mikey cause my boss is on his way."

Robert didn't have to be told twice as he raced as fast as he could following the nation, "H-How did you do that!?"

America lets out a laugh as he rounds a corner and disappears, "Do what?"


	4. Chapter 4

America lets out a deep laugh as he opens the door to his apartment and tosses his bag on the couch, "Hero." He calls out, "Here kitty, kitty." He hears a distant meow but like normal the cat doesn't appear. "You still mad at me about the pictures." He chuckles sensing the cat's glare on him. "Well it's your own fault for trying to eat Kiku's fishy fish."

Again he hears a simple meow as he rummages through his kitchen cupboards. "Guess I should go shopping since we're both out of food." He said as he closes the cupboard, "And if you behave I might pick up sushi."

That earns him a hiss as he changes quickly and jogs out the door calling an old friend on the way. "Yo Travis I'm starving."

"Then buy some food." The human says with a shake of his head, "But is that why you really called?"

Now the nation shrugs as he walks down the street, "Well I am out of food but no who's this new dude? He's a little young isn't he?"

"Twenty two isn't that young."

"I bet he can't even handle his beer yet man so he's young."

"Alfred, please don't take him out drinking." Travis starts remembering the events of a few years back, "The last one was out for two weeks."

"Well that was the alcohol poisoning not me and he was Irish so I just assumed he could drink a little." The nation pulls open a door and enters the store. "But anyway what's this kid's story?"

"Robert's or Mikey's?" Travis teases.

As he grabs a packet of burger America chuckles, "Well Mikey I pretty much figured out and it's not a pretty story but I'm getting off topic."

"Okay so rapid fire?" Travis quickly pulls up the new man's special file that only the true high ranking men have.

"Status."

"Single."

"Favorite porn?"

There's a pause before Travis speaks, "Some strange word that I can't quite pronounce."

"Okay so dirty. Good than I don't have to be so innocent with my comments. Fandom?"

Again another pause, "Okay," Travis laughs, "This can't be right."

"What?" America says as he enters the checkout line.

"Twilight."

At that the nation nearly drops his groceries, "No, oh god no not that. Travis tell me there's another. He's a Whovian, a Trekkie, a Markiplite or a member of the bro army. Hell if he was a Pokémon Master that would be awesome. And I'd bow down to a Superwholock but…please tell me that was a joke."

"Why would you bow down if he was a um Superwholock?"

"Because they are slightly crazy awesome peeps that deserve respect on both sides of the ocean that's why." He said rapidly as he hurried back towards home, "And my god if he was a Heta-…." He clears his throat, "Anyway I'm distracted again."

"A heta what?"

"Nothing it's ubber huge ass classified sorry bro."

"How classified? I'm pretty high up there."

America smirks, "As in only Gibbs is allowed to know and only under strict order from me is he ever to admit why he knows, how he knows and when he knew about it."

"That's only cause he's Toni's favorite."

"I'm sorry but I can't give out that information. Now back to what I wanted to know in the first place."

"Oh yeah Twilight…is this an order?" Travis asks as he turns on his computer already knowing the answer, "Or would my ADD inflicted boss like to do it instead?"

"I think it's ADHD and how do you know it's not an act…yes this is an order thank you Travis." With that America opens his front door again and hangs up. "Hero I got food."

As Hero mewls out America turns on his TV to a random channel just to drown out the silence, "And we're having chili." He calls out as the cat finally makes an appearance. "And it's going to be deadly for tomorrow."


	5. Chapter 5

The next day he sits calmly during the meeting as his stomach grumbles loudly, "Alfred." Someone warns as he looks up from his phone.

"What?" He asks absentmindedly.

"Quiet."

He blinks for a moment as he looks around him, "I didn't say anything." If he could make a small halo appear above his head he would though it would be being held up by a set of horns. "That was just my stomach so I mean it must be close to lunch."

"Lunch is in three hours." A rather young woman says as she glances at the nineteen year old sitting across from her. While she's a new intern she didn't expect to see someone even younger than her in the meeting. "Didn't you eat breakfast this morning?"

A wicked smug appears on his face, "Yeah I did and I don't know about any of you but eggs and chili is the best shit in the morning."

Instantly the whole room grows quiet as the brown haired woman looks around confused, "Why would you eat chili in the morning?"

"Alfred…." The current speaker starts as he backs away slowly, "There's women present."

His smile grows wider as he leans back, "I know but really isn't that really sexist?" Before anyone else has a chance to speak much less flee he lets one loose.

The ten other meeting members run out of the room choking as the nation lets out a roar of laughter. He lets another go before he realizes that the young woman is still sitting in the room. She's both confused and disgusted but she can't make her legs move, it's as if she's frozen and quickly she starts to choke and wheeze. "Oh god…" Is all she can say before she feels a cotton cloth pressed to her nose, "No!" She instantly screams out before noticing that it's canceling out the smell.

"Damn you're even newer than Mikey." The nation says with a chuckle as he helps her to her feet, "But you are much better looking than he is."

Her face reddens as she tries to look away, "I-"

"No keep it to your nose otherwise the mustard gas will really fuck you up."

She wants to hope he's joking but by the way the whole hallway has been deserted there might be some truth behind his statement, "Who are you?"

"Me? Just your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. You?"

"Well um…" She starts as she watching the strange man, "My name is Ilsa, it's a little strange but-"

Instantly America starts to chuckle as he opens a side door that leads to a court yard, "Well here's looking at you kid cause this is where we part ways." He says as he turns back to the door and just before he closes it he winks, "But hey we'll always have Paris or more like a nice stroll in the mustard cloud." With that he closes the door and walks towards where he had left his phone.

Once he gets it he pulls out his to do list for the day and checks off ruin the meeting and met the new intern. "Ilsa…" He says to himself as he pulls open another side door and walks down the stairs, "Didn't think people named their kids things like that anymore." He mutters to himself as he pockets his phone and undoes his tie.

Soon he reaches the catacombs below his capital. He knows he has to lay low for a while since the moment his boss will find out about his latest stunt he'll probably be skinned alive. "Totally worth it…" He says quietly to himself as a mew greets him in the darkness.

The nation stops and listens for a moment before letting out a small whistle. A ghost would send him running to the hills but then the small black cat is more of an ancient spirit. "Hey D.C come here kitty, kitty."

Again he gets a mewl just beyond his line of sight. He's knows for decades that when the omen came to see him it normally was never good. "D.C. is my land going to hell or are you just hungry?"

Glowing yellow eyes appear as he turns a corner and slowly the creature starts to grow and change. "I love how that's my only two options." A female voice answers with a coy smile. "Can't I just come to say hello every once in a while?"

He shrugs as she takes a step towards him, "We both know you're not a hello kind of person."

"True." She answers as her tail whips back and forth; she's dressed in a deer skin dress with over a dozen black feathers dangling from her neck. "But then normally I'm the one causing the havoc not you."

"Oh is like an intervention?" America says as she walks around him.

As she lets out a gentle purr she answers, "I'm just saying."

"Sure you are." The nation says as he rolls his eyes and takes a step forward, "Anyway I should go before I'm caught down here."

"You won't be caught. There's no cameras down this far." She flicks his ear with her tail, "They're all too afraid of me and my friends to watch and really none linger for more than a few minutes anyway." She shakes her head as he continues on his walk, "Walk on then Nation and we'll meet again shortly." And like that the spirit is gone, "For all cats are grey in the dark."

As the light breeze passes by him he can't help but shutter. "And this is why I pick men Dude…you women like to play fucking head games." When he's not answered he continues to walk slowly in the darkness before he comes to a set of stairs.

As he opens the door he's greeted by a familiar face, "So I have the reports you asked for and it's worse than we thought."

"Yeah?" America says as he slams the door behind him, "And what's the problem?"

Travis hands over the file as he smells something off, "Oh really Alfred?"

"Yo man you have no proof it was me." He says with a wicked smile as he starts to read, "But I would avoid standing behind me for like two hours…"


End file.
